breathingair's Xanga

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 15:19:57 GMT

I can't wait for Jeff and I to have our own life and to have our default out-of-work time be time together at home! I'm excited to have evenings to ourselves and to not have any interruptions that we don't want to - even things like my noisy housemates bursting through the door in the middle of an otherwise quiet dinner!

I also like having this new private element of our relationship that is developing (and will develop more so after being married) as we are beginning to establish our household. I like talking about things with Jeff that we used to not talk about because they didn't really involve him or we didn't have any reason to talk about it (even things like what dishes to get!) and knowing that this is all part of bringing our lives together. And because there are things that we choose to only share with each other, we really are establishing our dependence on each other as well as our independent household.

It's so exciting to be able to share all these things with Jeff and only Jeff, and to get used to the practice of seeking each other's counsel and making decisions privately as a couple. This was especially hard to do at Gordon where a private conversation had to happen either in a room with the door open to the rest of the nosy world, or on walks in the woods (which tended to limit the amount of private conversations in the winter). It gets tiring to have your relationship be constantly on display - to your friends, housemates, families... As much as I love them all, it makes things very difficult for Jeff and I when our need for privacy as a couple is not acknowledged or respected. However, it has been such a wonderful blessing when people have shown their support for our marriage by respecting our decisions and the fact that we will be keeping some elements of our relationship private! I'm very much looking forward to (and am beginning to enjoy) this new experience of choosing what to share and what to keep to ourselves. Just being allowed to have this new element of privacy makes me feel that this really is our relationship that we (with God's help!) are in control of.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 01:26:43 GMT

*sigh...

It's hard to let things go.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 03:03:27 GMT

Ugh!

I'm tired of having to defend what I want to do with my own things to other people!

I want to move out NOW!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 02:56:47 GMT

hmm...

I don't entirely know what I want to write about today, but things seem especially tense and difficult right now. I'm not sure why that is, but I don't feel very in control of things right now and I feel like I'm being continually reminded of how little influence I actually have over my own life.

That's pretty discouraging, especially at a time when you're trying to plan your own wedding. It kinda makes me want to say "Screw it! Let's just resign ourselves to the fact that we are going to be fought tooth and nail on the stupidest things for so long that we'll never get married!" We have so little time to get things together that every single minor dispute that causes huge repercussions effectively says "not going to happen!" or "over my dead body!".

"I can't believe you wouldn't do this." "Why are you going to do that?" "You never asked me what I thought about that!"

STOP!!!

This is our wedding, not anyone else's, and until anyone else decides to pay for the wedding, nagging, unhelpful comments can be kept to yourselves. If you're that offended, don't come. I'll buy a crockpot for our household in your honor instead and we'll both be happier.

The only hope I have is that this sort of thing will stop after the wedding.... at least it had better...

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Wed, 21 May 2008 03:33:02 GMT

I will be so excited to move out in September and get married!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 03:30:32 GMT

:-/

I don't even know where to start. Nothing is turning out as I had hoped it would and I am powerless to do anything about it. I'm frustrated and angry with the poor choices of one of my housemates and am angered even more by the situation because she doesn't seem to think that the poor choices she made are either right or wrong.

Where do you even start with something like that? I can't even wrap my head around my feelings enough to write them down here, but I am really upset and unsettled by this. Probably what upsets me the most about it is that she doesn't seem to care and feels like her viewpoint is the clearest and that she knows what she's doing. WRONG! From EVERY stand point and after multiple attempts to try and understand or have some sensical reason for why she's making these choices I have still not been convinced that her behavior is acceptable. But because of my firm (and occasionally stubborn) will and my strong belief that there is such a thing as absolute truth, my opinion comes across as one that is unfeeling, and is determined to find fault.

Even setting aside the moral, ethical implications of her poor decisions (as if you could), the psychologist in me can find so many explanations for her poor behavior that are signs of coping in ways that would be classified as "unhealthy". No, I'm not clinically trained, but with what knowledge I do have, from an emotionally stable standpoint, this is wrong and is not going to help her, but does have the potential to have negative outcomes in the end if she keeps up with it. On top of that my gut feeling is one of worry and concern towards the whole situation and often times, my gut feeling is really more evidence of discernment than an instant reaction to the situation.

At any rate, this is troubling because I really don't expect this friendship to last the way things currently stand. The level of friendship and trust that was there before is gone, and I'm not really sure I want to go through the effort of re-establishing that when what was the core of the friendship has been taken away. I just wish I could let the friendship end and move on, but you can't really do that very easily when you live in the same house together.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 05:00:38 GMT

I'm tired. I'm tired of my job, I'm tired of my routine, I'm tired of dealing with the same problems, I'm tired of getting the same unhelpful, "sympathetic" (get over it) responses, and I'm tired of being misunderstood, criticized or ignored because that doesn't cut it for me. I'm tired of being asked for advice and getting "well, of course you'd say that because you've never had this kind of problem before" thrown back in my face. I'm tired of having disappointed friendships. I'm tired of other people's stupid choices affecting me and I'm tired of people not caring when it happens. I'm tired of irresponsibility, disrespect and ignorance. I'm tired of feeling checked and limited. I'm tired of other people walking all over me. I'm tired of complaining. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being angry, I'm tired of being miserable, I'm tired of being hateful and I'm tired of trying to shove it down inside of me.

I wish I could learn to really love. I wish I could forgive. I wish I could forget. I wish I could be compassionate and understanding. I wish I could apologize. I wish I could pick myself up and keep going. I wish I didn't ever feel alone. I wish I could always think of others first. I wish I could be patient. I wish I could let go. I wish I didn't push others away. I wish I could be content. I wish I could trust again. I wish I wasn't tired anymore.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 00:29:03 GMT

"Time Takes It's Toll"

Time takes its toll on us
And it tries its best just to steal our love
And we bend and we break but we don’t give up
Time takes its toll on us

- Bebo Norman

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 05:25:07 GMT

Yes, it has been quite a while since I last updated. Usually I am the one to pester others who have fallen behind in their blogging. Now it is I who am being pestered, and here are the results.

To catch everyone up to speed: I graduated in May and am working in Boston for the Girl Scouts (yes I DO have the cookie connections) doing program evaluation to show our funders who have given us very large grants what positive effects our programs are having in high risk communities all because of their funding. Kinda interesting, kinda slow, and very different from what I anticipated, but all part of the learning experience I suppose. The one thing that I've really enjoyed, oddly enough, is being able to take the train in to work. It's a nice 25 minute ride where I can read or listen to music or just look out the window without having to concentrate on traffic or any thing work related.

I've decided I don't really like living in New England and would prefer to move back out westward - to Minnesota, Colorado, who knows. But at least west of New England. I feel like New England is making me a mean person (for lack of a better way to describe it) and I don't really like being cynical. Things are too cramped, people are too busy and money really is everything. Granted, these are very broad generalizations and not everyone fits in to those categories, but that does seem to be the overall feel of things.

Of course, there are some very fun things about living out here. Namely, Boston is a really fun city to live near and there are tons of things to do. The historical part of the Boston area is really interesting and cool too, especially when you come from a place where the 1800's are about as old as the history gets. It's also a perk to still be in the same area as Jeff as he finishes up his last year at Gordon. However, despite all of these things, I will be glad to be able to leave New England and settle elsewhere. In the meantime I just feel... unsettled. Hah.

It has been a long week. I have been trying to fight off a bad head cold and it's been threatening to strike full force for a few days now, which means I've been riding the illness fence. I'm not quite sick, but I still feel pretty bad at work and count the hours until I can go home. Today I took a half a sick day because 4 hours was about as much as I could stand. Hopefully with the long weekend I'll have passed through the worst part of the cold and be able to be healthy in time for some big deadlines at work. Of all the times to be sick, this is the worst time.

Anyhow, I leave you with song lyrics (per usual). Though I have heard it a lot before, this one has particularly been in my head recently and I've rediscovered the peace they offer:

"Wait"

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take him at His Word,
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know 'Thus sayeth the Lord'

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him,
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus,
O for grace to trust Him more.

- By the Tree

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 03:36:41 GMT

I'm feeling tired of everything and am trying not to be discouraged.... *sigh*...

"Nothing Without You"

Take these hands
And lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
See, I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love
To cover me, so all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love
To cover me so all the world will see
That I have nothing
That I love You
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And all the strength I can find

Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing
I am nothing without You

- Bebo Norman